The other day, I was trying to help someone in my life who is going through some tough times, and it occurred to me that the struggles they are facing have a lot to do with the attitude in which they approach everything. They are almost exclusively focused on themselves, and seem to look at relationships as little more than conduits for getting what they want.
I think we all go through this to some degree, usually as adolescents, but tend to grow out of it. This person hasn’t, really, and it has legitimately affected the amount of respect they have from others, including me, and even for themselves. I started to think about the difference between them and people who garner more respect.
The pattern I noticed is that people who are well-respected (and generally pretty successful) almost always ask one of two questions, and sometimes both:
“How can I help?”
“What can I learn from this?”
The first one, in my opinion, is one of the most powerful questions in the universe. At the very least, asking the question in any given situation is seen as a sign that you care, want to help, and are “in it” for more than just yourself. People respect and appreciate that.
Asking the second question is the single greatest way to continue to learn and grow. Making the habit of asking what you can learn from every situation keeps your curiosity alive even when your heart isn’t feeling it, and it really does help exercise the first question in the future. The more you learn, the more you can help when you need to. Also, people like to share with other people, and there is always something to learn from others. That includes people with less experience or education than you. Everyone has a unique path through life, and each path contains pearls of wisdom that you haven’t learned yet.
Do you know anyone who thinks they know everything about everything, and never goes out of their way to help others? Do you like and respect them? In my experience, even the most accomplished know-it-all who doesn’t attempt to help others is often tolerated at best.
I’m not saying that everyone should bend over backwards to help everyone at their own expense, or be a doormat for people who are particularly demanding. That is also a path to lack of respect. However, I do think it’s true that you “get what you give”, and we could all be a little more curious and a little more helpful sometimes.
Onward.